"We’ve been married now for 35 years and my wife has never thought about divorce… she only thought about murder a few times." This is a joke – I mean the murder part- but it reflects the true fact that within a couple, there are conflicts occurring and when you know you are right, you don’t like to lose and here comes the sparkle that ignites the dynamite and booom it goes!
It takes less than 10 seconds to go from zero to boiling and the fight has the potential to become extremely destructive. The wise Solomon says that we should stop the anger before it bursts because releasing it is like the rage of destructive flood water.
1. Therefore, the first step in dealing with anger and conflicts is to stop them before they begin, in other words, to anticipate their occurrence and learn to recognize their coming. What causes them? Is it a sensitive topic? Is it a certain pattern of adding gas on the fire? Whatever you discover it might be, do your best to disrupt and break those vicious patterns. Specialists have seen that even the smallest change when approaching such a situation, has the potential to start building more beneficial patterns.
2. Secondly you and your partner need to agree that when sensitivity runs high it is time for time out. Both of you should come to this conclusion and act likewise. It is much healthier for your relationship to discuss the sensitive issue when you’ve calmed down. Besides, as Christians, we are to be known for our patience.
Pay genuine attention to what your partner has to say, if you want to communicate and reduce conflicts practicing real active listening is a must that can’t be overlooked. When you see that your partner is self-protective, this is the signal that clearly shows that you both need time to let the "storm" cool down by taking a break.
3. Thirdly, the differences between you are normal! Think about it, you married him/her because she/he is different from you! Would you have rather married your clone? Consequently, to have different opinions is usual and good; consent to disagreeing. You can’t demand your mate to see everything the way you do. If you try to force him/her into it, just remember that the fiercest of dictators ended killed by the people they ruled. I am not saying that you’ll be killed, but yes, it has the potential to kill your relationship.
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?" (James 4: 1-2) Arrogance, self-importance and egocentrism are regularly the barriers that hinder us from simply letting our partner do it his/her way. A healthy marriage has to learn to manage these negative but unfortunately realistic character deficiencies.
The best thing you can do is to lead by the power of example just like Jesus did. Don’t demand respect, earn it by every day’s actions and be realistic enough admitting that you simply can’t force your partner adopt all your views. Besides…that could be so boring!
4.Fourthly, don’t bring out the list of mistakes since the day you met him/ her. Simply deal the existent problem without generalizing it with words like "you always do this…", "every time you act the same". Focus on a single subject; try not to divagate although it might seem tempting.
Finally, create a win-win situation. As mentioned earlier, dictators might have their way for a while but the end is disastrous. Keeping this in mind don’t try to "win" showing your partner that you are "right". Do your best to come to solutions that will make both of you winners. This rule applies in management, business and all areas of life where you want a long lasting relationship! It also works for marriage. This "win-win" approach will build trust in your relationship; you will see your partner’s preoccupation and care for your wishes.
Just as negotiation is an art where you can use everything, a whole palette of methods, negotiation in marriage is the same. However, the best, renowned negotiation tactic is patience. Patience in your thinking, in your actions and your deeds will empower you and will bring forth sweet fruits for you, your partner and consequently, for your marriage.
It takes less than 10 seconds to go from zero to boiling and the fight has the potential to become extremely destructive. The wise Solomon says that we should stop the anger before it bursts because releasing it is like the rage of destructive flood water.
1. Therefore, the first step in dealing with anger and conflicts is to stop them before they begin, in other words, to anticipate their occurrence and learn to recognize their coming. What causes them? Is it a sensitive topic? Is it a certain pattern of adding gas on the fire? Whatever you discover it might be, do your best to disrupt and break those vicious patterns. Specialists have seen that even the smallest change when approaching such a situation, has the potential to start building more beneficial patterns.
2. Secondly you and your partner need to agree that when sensitivity runs high it is time for time out. Both of you should come to this conclusion and act likewise. It is much healthier for your relationship to discuss the sensitive issue when you’ve calmed down. Besides, as Christians, we are to be known for our patience.
Pay genuine attention to what your partner has to say, if you want to communicate and reduce conflicts practicing real active listening is a must that can’t be overlooked. When you see that your partner is self-protective, this is the signal that clearly shows that you both need time to let the "storm" cool down by taking a break.
3. Thirdly, the differences between you are normal! Think about it, you married him/her because she/he is different from you! Would you have rather married your clone? Consequently, to have different opinions is usual and good; consent to disagreeing. You can’t demand your mate to see everything the way you do. If you try to force him/her into it, just remember that the fiercest of dictators ended killed by the people they ruled. I am not saying that you’ll be killed, but yes, it has the potential to kill your relationship.
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?" (James 4: 1-2) Arrogance, self-importance and egocentrism are regularly the barriers that hinder us from simply letting our partner do it his/her way. A healthy marriage has to learn to manage these negative but unfortunately realistic character deficiencies.
The best thing you can do is to lead by the power of example just like Jesus did. Don’t demand respect, earn it by every day’s actions and be realistic enough admitting that you simply can’t force your partner adopt all your views. Besides…that could be so boring!
4.Fourthly, don’t bring out the list of mistakes since the day you met him/ her. Simply deal the existent problem without generalizing it with words like "you always do this…", "every time you act the same". Focus on a single subject; try not to divagate although it might seem tempting.
Finally, create a win-win situation. As mentioned earlier, dictators might have their way for a while but the end is disastrous. Keeping this in mind don’t try to "win" showing your partner that you are "right". Do your best to come to solutions that will make both of you winners. This rule applies in management, business and all areas of life where you want a long lasting relationship! It also works for marriage. This "win-win" approach will build trust in your relationship; you will see your partner’s preoccupation and care for your wishes.
Just as negotiation is an art where you can use everything, a whole palette of methods, negotiation in marriage is the same. However, the best, renowned negotiation tactic is patience. Patience in your thinking, in your actions and your deeds will empower you and will bring forth sweet fruits for you, your partner and consequently, for your marriage.
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