By Anastacia Mott Austin
Remember when you first started dating, how exciting and passionate everything was? For some of you, that might not have been that long ago. For some of us, it seems like a hundred years. (Fifteen to be exact, but who’s counting?)
In fifteen years, or more (for you veterans), there are bound to be ups and downs. Let’s face it, it’s tough to live with the same person, day in and day out, for 5,475 days, give or take a few.
Some days you wonder, why can’t so-and-so remember to shut the gate into the front yard behind him when he comes home, even though you’ve told him about 800 times? Or maybe he thinks, why does she have to have the gate shut (answer: it completes the safety circle around the house…okay, so he’s not the only one with weird little tics).
Simply put, other people are maddening. And to someone else, you’re "other people." What to do then, if you want to live happily ever after?
Over the years, my husband and I have settled into a few things that work for us, but it’s been a journey to be sure.
We started with John Gray’s "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and it helped. It helped because it showed us that it’s not personal. Which is hard to understand sometimes, because when you live with someone it becomes personal. But it really isn’t. He doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings when he doesn’t respond if I’m talking, for example, and I need to learn that he simply cannot hear me when the game is on.
That book helped for a while, and then we forgot about all of the helpful exercises. Force of habit. We forgot because we used it long enough for things to feel better, and then we just stopped doing them (hmmm, maybe we should pull that book out again).
So what’s the big, juicy secret to a happy, successful, sexy marriage?
There isn’t one.
Before you get too discouraged, I say there isn’t one, because there are as many secrets to a successful, passionate relationship as there are couples.
One of my favorites came from a story I heard about an old woman who had been happily married many, many years. A young woman asked her what their secret was. The old woman said that when they first married, she allowed herself to write down a list of 10 things her husband did that drove her crazy. She told herself that she would forgive the 10 things and only these 10. So she did that. Whenever he did one of those things, she took a deep breath and let it go. Many years passed, and she lost track of the list she’d written. Which was ultimately a good thing, because now whenever he did anything at all that annoyed her, she took a deep breath and said, "Good thing that’s on the list."
For me, it’s all about tolerance and being able to see the big picture beyond the small moment. At this moment my husband has been sick on and off for about a month, and he’s driving me bonkers. But then I take a deep breath, and force myself to think about how he’s such a fair person, how his faith in our partnership goes way deeper than mine, how he "gets" me, most of the time. And that enables me to hunker down and live through "the worst flu I’ve ever had." Again.
But this article isn’t just about surviving a relationship, it’s about how to sustain the passion and the fun of your early days.
You can’t.
Okay, okay, before you get all bent out of shape, you can’t because later it’s different, and in many ways it’s better. Some of the most passionate moments can be had if two people have been through it all together, you really know and trust each other, you can go to intimate places together you never thought possible.
And while things might be different than your early dating days, there can still be a spark, there is still romance, there’s still fun.
It’s not always in the classic Hallmark moments either. I have to admit, I was thrilled when my hubby finally understood, after about 13 Valentine’s Days together, that I really prefer the See’s Candy Nuts n’ Chews to the truffles, which I’ve never really liked. So thirteen years of gentle hinting didn’t work and I finally had to tell him, more than once, "Thanks Sweetie, for these truffles and the generous thought behind them, but I really like the Nuts n’ Chews." Now we joke about it: "Nuts n’ Chews, baby."
Not spicy enough for you? The thing is, it is spicy between us sometimes, but it’s more than that.
This is the man who rubbed my back for 23 hours straight while I was in labor with our first child, with me stubbornly insisting we have a natural home birth, even though the baby was in a difficult position, we had an inept midwife, and the overall experience was so horrible that I still cry when I think about it. When that new baby never stopped crying, he’d get up in the middle of the night and take her in the car on a looping route he memorized to get her to go to sleep, and when it worked he’d pull over and study his night school books while I grabbed precious sleep at home.
This is the man who loved my body through all of the changes of three births, nursing, night wakings, no sleep, months with no sex, weight up, weight down, grad school for both of us, struggling careers, moving so many times, friends who came and went, other people’s marriages failing, passionate disagreements and fundamental differences, but with love and those little people we made in common.
See, it’s not so simple as 10 things you can do to spice up your night life.
He had faith that things would be good again, and they were. We understand each other in the most important ways, and even when that seems to fade, it is still there.
If things start getting bogged down and no fun and there’s no spark, we know we need to get back on track. That’s when he’ll start leaving me sweet notes in the morning, we’ll plan to call each other during the day, have lunch dates, arrange for a sitter so we can be alone together, go out dancing.
But you’re waiting for the 10 things you can do to heat things up. Okay, here they are:
10 Things You Can do to Spice up Your Old Married Love Life
1. Get some time to yourself. If you’re married and you have children, there are times you inevitably forget who you are. Take in a movie alone, or if you have the luxury, go camping alone for a night or with some girlfriends. Make time to miss your spouse. Travel alone, go on the adventures he’s not interested in. When you come back, you’ll be refreshed and he’ll look like he used to.
2. Learn forgiveness. Of him, of yourself, of life in general. Yes, he is annoying sometimes. But so are you (I know, it’s hard to believe). Try to remember we’ll all doing the best we can, and it seems too simple, but if you practice treating other people, especially your "old married" spouse, the way you want to be treated, amazing things can happen. Forgiveness and tolerance are two of the most important traits to develop in yourself if you want to be in a long lasting relationship.
3. Don’t neglect your love life. Don’t take it for granted that you’ll always be hot for each other. That takes TLC and maintenance. Hire a sitter and have a date night, at least once or twice a month as a bare minimum.
4. Since you know each other so well, do the things for each other that you know are special. If he loves the Giants, spring for tickets and go to a game together, eat bad hot dogs and $8 beer. Get him the Milky Way Midnight bars for no reason.
5. Don’t let yourself go. I’m not talking about plastic surgery, or being obsessed with flat abs, but at least sometimes, try to make yourself presentable for your spouse. Pretend that he or she is the new person in your life. You can’t help but feel a little "spicy" if you’ve got at least some lip gloss and some nice outfit on that isn’t sweatpants. At least on some level, your partner will appreciate that he’s special enough to look nice for.
6. Talk. I know, boring. But talking will get all of the mundane things out of your system and free up space for thinking….other things. If your mind is full of how it’s his turn to do the dishes and how it bugs you that he never is the one to do toothbrushing with the kids, you’ll have no room to remember how funny his jokes are or how he still has a cute butt.
7. Surprise each other. If things start getting to be the same ol’ thing, do something different. In the bedroom, try out some Kama Sutra moves, or buy new lingerie, role play, use more candles, take your time, think about what you used to do together in the early days, and recreate your favorite scenarios.
8. Do surprising things outside of the bedroom too. If you’re in a "What do you want to do?" "I don’t know, what do you want to do?" funk, just stop it. Take some time, do some research, brainstorm, come up with some new ideas. When you were first together, you did new stuff as a couple. It’s not too late. Pretend you’re a tourist in your own town, do something different and fun: try roller skating, ballroom dancing, go to a rave and wonder what all the kids’ parents must be thinking.
9. Okay, I can’t think of anything else. Use the last two to find your own ideas for a reviving the spark in your married life. Nobody knows you and your spouse better than you do, so get creative and remember what used to work. If it worked for you then, try it now, or try a new version. The truth is, what works for any one couple is ultimately unique to them.
Now knock some wood for me, because inevitably whenever I dole out relationship advice like I know what I’m talking about, the next day we always have a big, screaming fight and I realize that I don’t know anything.
Besides, I just looked out the window and saw that the gate is open. But you know what? It’s a good thing that’s on the list.
Remember when you first started dating, how exciting and passionate everything was? For some of you, that might not have been that long ago. For some of us, it seems like a hundred years. (Fifteen to be exact, but who’s counting?)
In fifteen years, or more (for you veterans), there are bound to be ups and downs. Let’s face it, it’s tough to live with the same person, day in and day out, for 5,475 days, give or take a few.
Some days you wonder, why can’t so-and-so remember to shut the gate into the front yard behind him when he comes home, even though you’ve told him about 800 times? Or maybe he thinks, why does she have to have the gate shut (answer: it completes the safety circle around the house…okay, so he’s not the only one with weird little tics).
Simply put, other people are maddening. And to someone else, you’re "other people." What to do then, if you want to live happily ever after?
Over the years, my husband and I have settled into a few things that work for us, but it’s been a journey to be sure.
We started with John Gray’s "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and it helped. It helped because it showed us that it’s not personal. Which is hard to understand sometimes, because when you live with someone it becomes personal. But it really isn’t. He doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings when he doesn’t respond if I’m talking, for example, and I need to learn that he simply cannot hear me when the game is on.
That book helped for a while, and then we forgot about all of the helpful exercises. Force of habit. We forgot because we used it long enough for things to feel better, and then we just stopped doing them (hmmm, maybe we should pull that book out again).
So what’s the big, juicy secret to a happy, successful, sexy marriage?
There isn’t one.
Before you get too discouraged, I say there isn’t one, because there are as many secrets to a successful, passionate relationship as there are couples.
One of my favorites came from a story I heard about an old woman who had been happily married many, many years. A young woman asked her what their secret was. The old woman said that when they first married, she allowed herself to write down a list of 10 things her husband did that drove her crazy. She told herself that she would forgive the 10 things and only these 10. So she did that. Whenever he did one of those things, she took a deep breath and let it go. Many years passed, and she lost track of the list she’d written. Which was ultimately a good thing, because now whenever he did anything at all that annoyed her, she took a deep breath and said, "Good thing that’s on the list."
For me, it’s all about tolerance and being able to see the big picture beyond the small moment. At this moment my husband has been sick on and off for about a month, and he’s driving me bonkers. But then I take a deep breath, and force myself to think about how he’s such a fair person, how his faith in our partnership goes way deeper than mine, how he "gets" me, most of the time. And that enables me to hunker down and live through "the worst flu I’ve ever had." Again.
But this article isn’t just about surviving a relationship, it’s about how to sustain the passion and the fun of your early days.
You can’t.
Okay, okay, before you get all bent out of shape, you can’t because later it’s different, and in many ways it’s better. Some of the most passionate moments can be had if two people have been through it all together, you really know and trust each other, you can go to intimate places together you never thought possible.
And while things might be different than your early dating days, there can still be a spark, there is still romance, there’s still fun.
It’s not always in the classic Hallmark moments either. I have to admit, I was thrilled when my hubby finally understood, after about 13 Valentine’s Days together, that I really prefer the See’s Candy Nuts n’ Chews to the truffles, which I’ve never really liked. So thirteen years of gentle hinting didn’t work and I finally had to tell him, more than once, "Thanks Sweetie, for these truffles and the generous thought behind them, but I really like the Nuts n’ Chews." Now we joke about it: "Nuts n’ Chews, baby."
Not spicy enough for you? The thing is, it is spicy between us sometimes, but it’s more than that.
This is the man who rubbed my back for 23 hours straight while I was in labor with our first child, with me stubbornly insisting we have a natural home birth, even though the baby was in a difficult position, we had an inept midwife, and the overall experience was so horrible that I still cry when I think about it. When that new baby never stopped crying, he’d get up in the middle of the night and take her in the car on a looping route he memorized to get her to go to sleep, and when it worked he’d pull over and study his night school books while I grabbed precious sleep at home.
This is the man who loved my body through all of the changes of three births, nursing, night wakings, no sleep, months with no sex, weight up, weight down, grad school for both of us, struggling careers, moving so many times, friends who came and went, other people’s marriages failing, passionate disagreements and fundamental differences, but with love and those little people we made in common.
See, it’s not so simple as 10 things you can do to spice up your night life.
He had faith that things would be good again, and they were. We understand each other in the most important ways, and even when that seems to fade, it is still there.
If things start getting bogged down and no fun and there’s no spark, we know we need to get back on track. That’s when he’ll start leaving me sweet notes in the morning, we’ll plan to call each other during the day, have lunch dates, arrange for a sitter so we can be alone together, go out dancing.
But you’re waiting for the 10 things you can do to heat things up. Okay, here they are:
10 Things You Can do to Spice up Your Old Married Love Life
1. Get some time to yourself. If you’re married and you have children, there are times you inevitably forget who you are. Take in a movie alone, or if you have the luxury, go camping alone for a night or with some girlfriends. Make time to miss your spouse. Travel alone, go on the adventures he’s not interested in. When you come back, you’ll be refreshed and he’ll look like he used to.
2. Learn forgiveness. Of him, of yourself, of life in general. Yes, he is annoying sometimes. But so are you (I know, it’s hard to believe). Try to remember we’ll all doing the best we can, and it seems too simple, but if you practice treating other people, especially your "old married" spouse, the way you want to be treated, amazing things can happen. Forgiveness and tolerance are two of the most important traits to develop in yourself if you want to be in a long lasting relationship.
3. Don’t neglect your love life. Don’t take it for granted that you’ll always be hot for each other. That takes TLC and maintenance. Hire a sitter and have a date night, at least once or twice a month as a bare minimum.
4. Since you know each other so well, do the things for each other that you know are special. If he loves the Giants, spring for tickets and go to a game together, eat bad hot dogs and $8 beer. Get him the Milky Way Midnight bars for no reason.
5. Don’t let yourself go. I’m not talking about plastic surgery, or being obsessed with flat abs, but at least sometimes, try to make yourself presentable for your spouse. Pretend that he or she is the new person in your life. You can’t help but feel a little "spicy" if you’ve got at least some lip gloss and some nice outfit on that isn’t sweatpants. At least on some level, your partner will appreciate that he’s special enough to look nice for.
6. Talk. I know, boring. But talking will get all of the mundane things out of your system and free up space for thinking….other things. If your mind is full of how it’s his turn to do the dishes and how it bugs you that he never is the one to do toothbrushing with the kids, you’ll have no room to remember how funny his jokes are or how he still has a cute butt.
7. Surprise each other. If things start getting to be the same ol’ thing, do something different. In the bedroom, try out some Kama Sutra moves, or buy new lingerie, role play, use more candles, take your time, think about what you used to do together in the early days, and recreate your favorite scenarios.
8. Do surprising things outside of the bedroom too. If you’re in a "What do you want to do?" "I don’t know, what do you want to do?" funk, just stop it. Take some time, do some research, brainstorm, come up with some new ideas. When you were first together, you did new stuff as a couple. It’s not too late. Pretend you’re a tourist in your own town, do something different and fun: try roller skating, ballroom dancing, go to a rave and wonder what all the kids’ parents must be thinking.
9. Okay, I can’t think of anything else. Use the last two to find your own ideas for a reviving the spark in your married life. Nobody knows you and your spouse better than you do, so get creative and remember what used to work. If it worked for you then, try it now, or try a new version. The truth is, what works for any one couple is ultimately unique to them.
Now knock some wood for me, because inevitably whenever I dole out relationship advice like I know what I’m talking about, the next day we always have a big, screaming fight and I realize that I don’t know anything.
Besides, I just looked out the window and saw that the gate is open. But you know what? It’s a good thing that’s on the list.
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