The Prince Charming Myth

The following conversation pictures how most "princesses" (women) think.

"What type of man do I want to marry?" the young woman repeated the question that had been asked of her by the Rabbi (the spiritual leader of a Jewish congregation).

"Well, I want someone kind. And smart. But not the too-kind type that lets himself be walked on. And not the too-smart type that lets it get to his head. Someone who isn't too much into his books: someone sociable. A leader, the life of a party - but not someone who aggravates with his presence. I'd like him to be handsome, but not haughty. I'd like..."

"It sounds like you want to marry more than one person!"

She looked at the Rabbi, seated behind his desk. His smile was broad and his eyes twinkled.

"It sounds like you want to marry more than one person." Cited from Shimon Posner’s article "Finding love".

Hmm…are we all dreaming to an inexistent prince charming? Does he exist?

It is more and more emphasized that we, the girls, have read too many novels and those are not the real life…those are a game of imagination. Fiction is full of sparkles and infatuation, pink rivers of romance…fairy tales.

We have to be realistic and learn a precious lesson, there is no such thing as "the perfect human being", not masculine nor feminine for that matter. The person we fall in love with is not perfect, we have all the chances to see that after the butterflies find their way out of our stomach. Yet, the other’s qualities balance our lacks and our qualities balance his. There are things that cannot be changed within your prince’s personality and the bad news is that in time they can aggravate; therefore, ask God for guidance, try to see if you can live with his defects too. Are they compensated by his qualities?

Be prepared to find two or three defects that you’ll most probably have to live with. It is not a disaster, don’t freak out! If God wants you to marry a certain person HE will give you enough grace and inspiration to learn to live with those defects. Of course, I don’t include here physical aggression or stuff like that! I am confident that we all have the discernment to know what we can’t stand.

Love = Passion?

Also it is very important to make a clear distinction between passion and love. Although love includes passion, love is not passion, infatuation.

The passion focuses on the physical part of the relationship and it depends on it. The character is not that emphasized, in fact she or he might seem perfect! It is easy to love a beautiful girl or a handsome man yet, if there are no character features to complement that physical appearance, statistics show that these kind of marriages last for 2 up to 5 years, ending in divorce.

Why? When they are both gorgeous looking? After 2 years of living together, the physical part has the tendency to fade because the cruel reality steps in requiring the paying of bills (house, car etc.), requiring mutual trust, sound mind, decision making, raising children, etc. Those are not found in the good looks…

Love is the decision to remarry the same person every day; it is a constant act that depends on your will. Love is a growing process; it is built up by the small acts of everyday living together.

Right, so be realistic, make a clear separation between facts and fiction, do not freak out because you are perfect and prince Charming does not exist, pray for wisdom and discernment, make sure you love his personality not just his muscles.

Keep an open eye before you get married, be objective, listen to your parents’ opinion, see how your friends see your loved one and then put it all in the balance of prayer. Don’t hurry! Give it time, you can see the "real face" of the prince /princess only when you let enough time pass. It is usually after six months that the features of the real her or him start to show. That’s why, it is wise to wait at least one year before you say the final "I Do".

Two Secrets of A Happy Marriage

In the era we live in, divorce rate rises continually. Back in the fifties, the divorce rate in the church was much lower than the divorce rate in the world. Yet nowadays the divorce rate in the church is the same as that of the world’s.

It is very interesting to observe that among Hasidic Jews, this means Jews that still have prearranged marriages, the divorce rate is zero! Incredible, isn’t it?

However when asked about the secret of such a low divorce rate, the main ingredient was respect. "We respect one another" they said.

Another survey showed that among the Christian couples who pray together (I mean really making time to pray, not just saying the blessing at the table) the divorce rate is incredibly low, less than one percentage. Obviously, here praying together is the key.

These two categories have given along with their answers, an important indicator to a marriage’s stability. Let’s see more about respect and prayer in marriage.

How can respect be nurtured in your relationship?

1. First of all you need to realize that your spouse is not primarily yours; what I mean is that he or she belongs to God, he/she is God’s "property" and it is God Who gave him/her to you. You will also have to give an account to God concerning the relationship with your spouse, you are supposed to grow together closer and closer to God’s image and in this process you also grow closer and closer to one another.

2. Jesus said "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you." That involves knowing your partner better each day and treating him/her as they want to be treated. There is one important thing to note here, treating him as he wants to be treated (not as you want him to treat you); I am making this distinction clear because women have certain expectations like being paid attention to, listened (not only heard), ultimately all these lead to one thing: respect. The same way, men need to be respected, they need to know that their partner admires their qualities in private and in public as well. However, people are unique, your partner is unique, that’s why you as his wife and you as her husband should know best your partner’s love language.

Just as you can’t make a sparrow swim or a fish fly, the same way, you need to create the suitable environment for your spouse, telling him/her you love and respect her/him using her/his own language. Many times the way you want to be treated is not the way he wants to be treated by you, he might just not perceive certain gestures the way you do; that's why, you have to learn, use and continually update your partner's love language.

3. Pray together, stay together

Prayer creates an incredible bond between people, and especially when it comes to marriage, God, the inventor of this institution will surely strengthen it and help the two make marriage what it is supposed to be. Being thankful every day for your partner, with him/her actually hearing you saying "thank you Lord for my husband/wife" is such a blessing and such a great wounds healer! It can heal deep wounds; this gives depth to your love and respect levels. Just being grateful for what God gave you.

It is in prayer that you realize better and clearer how together you form a whole and that you should complete each other and not compete against each other. Ridiculing each other is a habit that can be fun at first, but once it reaches maturity, its fruits are bitter. Therefore coming before God every day, simply allows you both revolve around the steady axis that can really reinforce your marriage and can put you back on the right track.

Spinning one around another as a couple is not sufficient, people change, feelings can be up or down, situations differ, yet God is the same, always, never changing and this stability and advice that you can receive only from His perspective, is of a great value in marriage, actually is the best advice ever!

Through prayer God will also remind you of how beautiful He wants your husband or wife to become (especially married couples know the "cruel truth" that there is neither Prince Charming nor Snow White, but in fairytales).

You will be reminded each day of how precious you actually are in the eyes of God and that will make the task much easier for you as your spouse will not rely on you for his/her self esteem. The main problem with many people comes from their low self esteem, it not only brings them down but it will surely affect their marriage too.

Forgiveness is another precious jewel you can receive trough prayer and oh, if your partner is breathing…it means you are likely to be offended; that’s why forgiving is also crucial.

Above them all, the infinite love of Love itself-God, will be poured in your hearts and your joy of living will be continually refreshed by His Holy Spirit living inside you.

These are solid secrets of a happy marriage: love and respect each other and pray every day!

Cooling Conflicts in Marriage

"We’ve been married now for 35 years and my wife has never thought about divorce… she only thought about murder a few times." This is a joke – I mean the murder part- but it reflects the true fact that within a couple, there are conflicts occurring and when you know you are right, you don’t like to lose and here comes the sparkle that ignites the dynamite and booom it goes!

It takes less than 10 seconds to go from zero to boiling and the fight has the potential to become extremely destructive. The wise Solomon says that we should stop the anger before it bursts because releasing it is like the rage of destructive flood water.

1. Therefore, the first step in dealing with anger and conflicts is to stop them before they begin, in other words, to anticipate their occurrence and learn to recognize their coming. What causes them? Is it a sensitive topic? Is it a certain pattern of adding gas on the fire? Whatever you discover it might be, do your best to disrupt and break those vicious patterns. Specialists have seen that even the smallest change when approaching such a situation, has the potential to start building more beneficial patterns.

2. Secondly you and your partner need to agree that when sensitivity runs high it is time for time out. Both of you should come to this conclusion and act likewise. It is much healthier for your relationship to discuss the sensitive issue when you’ve calmed down. Besides, as Christians, we are to be known for our patience.

Pay genuine attention to what your partner has to say, if you want to communicate and reduce conflicts practicing real active listening is a must that can’t be overlooked. When you see that your partner is self-protective, this is the signal that clearly shows that you both need time to let the "storm" cool down by taking a break.

3. Thirdly, the differences between you are normal! Think about it, you married him/her because she/he is different from you! Would you have rather married your clone? Consequently, to have different opinions is usual and good; consent to disagreeing. You can’t demand your mate to see everything the way you do. If you try to force him/her into it, just remember that the fiercest of dictators ended killed by the people they ruled. I am not saying that you’ll be killed, but yes, it has the potential to kill your relationship.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?" (James 4: 1-2) Arrogance, self-importance and egocentrism are regularly the barriers that hinder us from simply letting our partner do it his/her way. A healthy marriage has to learn to manage these negative but unfortunately realistic character deficiencies.

The best thing you can do is to lead by the power of example just like Jesus did. Don’t demand respect, earn it by every day’s actions and be realistic enough admitting that you simply can’t force your partner adopt all your views. Besides…that could be so boring!

4.Fourthly, don’t bring out the list of mistakes since the day you met him/ her. Simply deal the existent problem without generalizing it with words like "you always do this…", "every time you act the same". Focus on a single subject; try not to divagate although it might seem tempting.

Finally, create a win-win situation. As mentioned earlier, dictators might have their way for a while but the end is disastrous. Keeping this in mind don’t try to "win" showing your partner that you are "right". Do your best to come to solutions that will make both of you winners. This rule applies in management, business and all areas of life where you want a long lasting relationship! It also works for marriage. This "win-win" approach will build trust in your relationship; you will see your partner’s preoccupation and care for your wishes.

Just as negotiation is an art where you can use everything, a whole palette of methods, negotiation in marriage is the same. However, the best, renowned negotiation tactic is patience. Patience in your thinking, in your actions and your deeds will empower you and will bring forth sweet fruits for you, your partner and consequently, for your marriage.

10 Things You Can do to Spice Up Your Old Married Life

By Anastacia Mott Austin

Remember when you first started dating, how exciting and passionate everything was? For some of you, that might not have been that long ago. For some of us, it seems like a hundred years. (Fifteen to be exact, but who’s counting?)

In fifteen years, or more (for you veterans), there are bound to be ups and downs. Let’s face it, it’s tough to live with the same person, day in and day out, for 5,475 days, give or take a few.

Some days you wonder, why can’t so-and-so remember to shut the gate into the front yard behind him when he comes home, even though you’ve told him about 800 times? Or maybe he thinks, why does she have to have the gate shut (answer: it completes the safety circle around the house…okay, so he’s not the only one with weird little tics).

Simply put, other people are maddening. And to someone else, you’re "other people." What to do then, if you want to live happily ever after?

Over the years, my husband and I have settled into a few things that work for us, but it’s been a journey to be sure.

We started with John Gray’s "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and it helped. It helped because it showed us that it’s not personal. Which is hard to understand sometimes, because when you live with someone it becomes personal. But it really isn’t. He doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings when he doesn’t respond if I’m talking, for example, and I need to learn that he simply cannot hear me when the game is on.

That book helped for a while, and then we forgot about all of the helpful exercises. Force of habit. We forgot because we used it long enough for things to feel better, and then we just stopped doing them (hmmm, maybe we should pull that book out again).

So what’s the big, juicy secret to a happy, successful, sexy marriage?

There isn’t one.

Before you get too discouraged, I say there isn’t one, because there are as many secrets to a successful, passionate relationship as there are couples.

One of my favorites came from a story I heard about an old woman who had been happily married many, many years. A young woman asked her what their secret was. The old woman said that when they first married, she allowed herself to write down a list of 10 things her husband did that drove her crazy. She told herself that she would forgive the 10 things and only these 10. So she did that. Whenever he did one of those things, she took a deep breath and let it go. Many years passed, and she lost track of the list she’d written. Which was ultimately a good thing, because now whenever he did anything at all that annoyed her, she took a deep breath and said, "Good thing that’s on the list."

For me, it’s all about tolerance and being able to see the big picture beyond the small moment. At this moment my husband has been sick on and off for about a month, and he’s driving me bonkers. But then I take a deep breath, and force myself to think about how he’s such a fair person, how his faith in our partnership goes way deeper than mine, how he "gets" me, most of the time. And that enables me to hunker down and live through "the worst flu I’ve ever had." Again.

But this article isn’t just about surviving a relationship, it’s about how to sustain the passion and the fun of your early days.

You can’t.

Okay, okay, before you get all bent out of shape, you can’t because later it’s different, and in many ways it’s better. Some of the most passionate moments can be had if two people have been through it all together, you really know and trust each other, you can go to intimate places together you never thought possible.

And while things might be different than your early dating days, there can still be a spark, there is still romance, there’s still fun.

It’s not always in the classic Hallmark moments either. I have to admit, I was thrilled when my hubby finally understood, after about 13 Valentine’s Days together, that I really prefer the See’s Candy Nuts n’ Chews to the truffles, which I’ve never really liked. So thirteen years of gentle hinting didn’t work and I finally had to tell him, more than once, "Thanks Sweetie, for these truffles and the generous thought behind them, but I really like the Nuts n’ Chews." Now we joke about it: "Nuts n’ Chews, baby."

Not spicy enough for you? The thing is, it is spicy between us sometimes, but it’s more than that.

This is the man who rubbed my back for 23 hours straight while I was in labor with our first child, with me stubbornly insisting we have a natural home birth, even though the baby was in a difficult position, we had an inept midwife, and the overall experience was so horrible that I still cry when I think about it. When that new baby never stopped crying, he’d get up in the middle of the night and take her in the car on a looping route he memorized to get her to go to sleep, and when it worked he’d pull over and study his night school books while I grabbed precious sleep at home.

This is the man who loved my body through all of the changes of three births, nursing, night wakings, no sleep, months with no sex, weight up, weight down, grad school for both of us, struggling careers, moving so many times, friends who came and went, other people’s marriages failing, passionate disagreements and fundamental differences, but with love and those little people we made in common.

See, it’s not so simple as 10 things you can do to spice up your night life.

He had faith that things would be good again, and they were. We understand each other in the most important ways, and even when that seems to fade, it is still there.

If things start getting bogged down and no fun and there’s no spark, we know we need to get back on track. That’s when he’ll start leaving me sweet notes in the morning, we’ll plan to call each other during the day, have lunch dates, arrange for a sitter so we can be alone together, go out dancing.

But you’re waiting for the 10 things you can do to heat things up. Okay, here they are:

10 Things You Can do to Spice up Your Old Married Love Life

1. Get some time to yourself. If you’re married and you have children, there are times you inevitably forget who you are. Take in a movie alone, or if you have the luxury, go camping alone for a night or with some girlfriends. Make time to miss your spouse. Travel alone, go on the adventures he’s not interested in. When you come back, you’ll be refreshed and he’ll look like he used to.

2. Learn forgiveness. Of him, of yourself, of life in general. Yes, he is annoying sometimes. But so are you (I know, it’s hard to believe). Try to remember we’ll all doing the best we can, and it seems too simple, but if you practice treating other people, especially your "old married" spouse, the way you want to be treated, amazing things can happen. Forgiveness and tolerance are two of the most important traits to develop in yourself if you want to be in a long lasting relationship.

3. Don’t neglect your love life. Don’t take it for granted that you’ll always be hot for each other. That takes TLC and maintenance. Hire a sitter and have a date night, at least once or twice a month as a bare minimum.

4. Since you know each other so well, do the things for each other that you know are special. If he loves the Giants, spring for tickets and go to a game together, eat bad hot dogs and $8 beer. Get him the Milky Way Midnight bars for no reason.

5. Don’t let yourself go. I’m not talking about plastic surgery, or being obsessed with flat abs, but at least sometimes, try to make yourself presentable for your spouse. Pretend that he or she is the new person in your life. You can’t help but feel a little "spicy" if you’ve got at least some lip gloss and some nice outfit on that isn’t sweatpants. At least on some level, your partner will appreciate that he’s special enough to look nice for.

6. Talk. I know, boring. But talking will get all of the mundane things out of your system and free up space for thinking….other things. If your mind is full of how it’s his turn to do the dishes and how it bugs you that he never is the one to do toothbrushing with the kids, you’ll have no room to remember how funny his jokes are or how he still has a cute butt.

7. Surprise each other. If things start getting to be the same ol’ thing, do something different. In the bedroom, try out some Kama Sutra moves, or buy new lingerie, role play, use more candles, take your time, think about what you used to do together in the early days, and recreate your favorite scenarios.

8. Do surprising things outside of the bedroom too. If you’re in a "What do you want to do?" "I don’t know, what do you want to do?" funk, just stop it. Take some time, do some research, brainstorm, come up with some new ideas. When you were first together, you did new stuff as a couple. It’s not too late. Pretend you’re a tourist in your own town, do something different and fun: try roller skating, ballroom dancing, go to a rave and wonder what all the kids’ parents must be thinking.

9. Okay, I can’t think of anything else. Use the last two to find your own ideas for a reviving the spark in your married life. Nobody knows you and your spouse better than you do, so get creative and remember what used to work. If it worked for you then, try it now, or try a new version. The truth is, what works for any one couple is ultimately unique to them.

Now knock some wood for me, because inevitably whenever I dole out relationship advice like I know what I’m talking about, the next day we always have a big, screaming fight and I realize that I don’t know anything.

Besides, I just looked out the window and saw that the gate is open. But you know what? It’s a good thing that’s on the list.